Splash Award

I was nominated for this Splash blog award a couple months ago, and only just got around to acknowledging the compliment. Not because I wasn't flattered, I was, but I was being neglectful of my blog. Much appreciated Race!

A little bit of exaggerated self reflection...

“It kind of makes you think” he said to her with a certain heaviness in his voice.
She knew what he meant but lightened the mood by letting out a short breathy laugh “yes it does”.
They both laughed in tandem, and didn't discuss it any further.

It had been like this for months. They had all the love that lovers should without the commitment. Best friends they called one another, and they were. Spending hours in the company of each other. No two people could have been closer, but they were too independent. Not even the great deal of love shared between them was enough to make them give up their separate ways. Yes, they knew that there were things they could get from one another that they could not get from others, and they weren't looking for others. They seemed to have the potential to be endless, but did they have forever? In the way that some people do? Would they ever?

"It is good to be single, isn't it?" He said with a smile in his voice.
She knew what he meant and without a hint of laughter she said "yes it is".
They didn't laugh, but just like before they didn't discuss it any further. She sighed, but she does that from time to time.

Sometimes there is a greater purpose for two people. Could it be the case with the two of them? Did they need something? Something like a correction of paths, resulting from the convergence of two minds. Could it be healing, or companionship, an escape, or something more? One detail worth knowing is that neither of them are alone anymore. Is that a problem? Some believe it is. What they share is something most can not understand. It is an affair, and a love story, but unconventional and ruled by reason. Someday maybe it will be something more, but it doesn't seem even slightly deficient in the moment.

It is the little things. Details are important. Today is a detail, filled with little things, and in a sense today is the only thing that is important. The only details worth knowing are the ones that directly effect us in the moment. With no sense of greater purpose or vision for the future she said to herself, to him and to everyone "we will see".

There has been some complaing about the unclear nature of some of my blog posts. I want you all to know that if my post does not make sense it is intentional. You may ask me about the meaning behind my words and if I see value in sharing I will. Otherwise you have my permission to attach any meaning to it would you like. Slander me. Analyze me. Construct me. Deconstruct me. Or if you can manage to, do the same or worse to yourself. Yes, I know we are living in a fact based society, but honestly ask yourself why you need to know? I would rather you misunderstand me than allow myself to be restricted coherent posts. There are always things in ones life that are not to be shared with others, or only to be shared with a select few. At time I use this blog to share things in my life that feel I can not comfortably divulge. So you get analysis without the subject being openly declared. Maybe you will find meaning in the analysis. What I won't say is "I don't care if you understand, because I write for myself." If I said that it would a a half truth, because often I don't care if you understand but I do not write only for myself. If I did then the contents of this blog would be written in a locked journal instead tucked away beneath my neatly folded socks nestled in my precious new dresser drawer. Oh look at me giving away all my secrets.

An Early Morning Post

I bought a dresser on Saturday. A place to store my clothing. A place for them to call home. I hope that someday I am as lucky as they are. Over the last little while I have been thinking about what it is that I truly want from life and I do know. It will come as a disappointment to most of my friends, but I want the same things I wanted a few months ago. The very same things I left to find. Although I did not find what I was looking for at the time I am plotting ways to find it again. I can not tell you why I am drawn to Saskatchewan. Perhaps it is a place to clear my head, and to focus on what it is that needs attention in my life. I seek to find a place of seclusion. Which to be honest here in my nest far away from everyone I almost have what it is that I want. One close friend calls it my sanctuary, and I must agree. But there are things that I can not have here that I could have there. Although there would be sacrifices I have been there and I have tasted what it is that I want, and I must say it is worthwhile. I am doing my time here and waiting for the day that I can break loose. That is going to take quite a bit of time. So much time that I may find another path. But I am plotting my escape. Yes, it would be an escape...I won't deny that. But and escape for the right reason. The reason? Now is the time for me to truly focus on getting what it is that I want and need, and that can only be done if I am able to live without distraction for a little while. I am alone, but not lonely, and I need it to be this way.

Make Me

Tell me where this compulsion comes from? You can tell me time, and time again. I only want to hear it, even though I know it, mirroring my thoughts with your speech. That is the ultimate. How is it that I came to be as I am today? Could I have resisted it? Such independence, and free thinking. That I can now see and enjoy something that I previously did not consider. It is a gift. One that most would not be open to receiving, but it moves me, it compels me, it makes me look skyward and ponder. Should I look over there? Should I change my point of view? It makes me expect more of others. It makes me wish i could be their puppeteer for my own benefit, and theirs if they can see the value of it. Most of all it made me realize that though there will be times in my life where I will go without, never again will I be without.

Another Late Night

Tonight it hurts. The ache of loneliness is crushing me, the feelings of inferiority and self-doubt are taking over. Keep trying, try harder, and don't quit. Shut-up. All the things I tell myself just to stay motivated. To keep myself from seeing the truth. The routine I have known is gone, and I am alone again. Yet, it seems to come back and sting me now just as it has in the past. Is it you? Maybe, or maybe not. Is it me? Without a doubt. I have nothing but myself at this time, so it must be me. It is always me. I feel as though the quality of things has been compromised. That the shards of self that I have worked so hard to reassemble, are not being held as tightly by the glue as I thought they would have been.

(Writers Note: March 22, 2009 - I don't want to post this, but I will. A fragment of a moment, an incomplete blog, but not something I can finish now. The feeling has started to pass, and though it is not entirely gone, the intensity has lessened.)

My Rant

I had my first job interview today, and admittedly I would like to work for the company. However the interview left me feeling deeply uncertain about how things are going to pan out.

First of all, the employer has not actually decided whether or not she is going to fire the person I would be replacing. I found this discovery mildly annoying. However she was pretty quick to say that she is considering opening up a new position even if she doesn't fire the girl. So the job may not even exist? Ummm...damn. That is just one level of uncertainty.

Secondly, she told me that if I have any other job offers to please come and talk to her first. So do they only want me if someone else also wants me? Or is she looking to hire me, but just doesn't want to tell me right away. I can't really say one way or another.

Also, she told me she has three other people she has to interview before she makes a decision. Ok, fine. Sure. Four people are being interviewed for a position that may or may not be available. However, she proceeded to tell me that I had very strong letter writing skills, and the best resume she had seen out of 100+ people she has had apply for this job in the past. Both very flattering, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if I don't get the job. Is having the best resume and the strong letter writing skills enough? Is it to much? After all, my last employer didn't want to hire me because I was "to intellectual". They said it, not me. I was blown away by them saying this, because pardon me for being old fashioned, but I think being smart is a desirable trait.

With respect to this interview. I don't know where it is going, or if it is going anywhere at all. She said she would call me on Monday to let me know. Then she said, no I will try to aim for Friday. Well... I guess all I can really do is wait to hear what she decides. Having said all of that I really liked her, I liked the office, I like the description of the position and the potential for growth.

There you have it. One interview down, and I survived. Although I am not entirely thrilled with the process so far. I pray for a quick end to this madness.