I know what I would do, but I will leave this one up to you. Proceed with caution fair friend for you know not what you could have or what you are about to do. We had something built on nothing, and that is new. I have had nothing built on something. Neither is easy... but something built on nothing is...time sensitive. A cracked egg seeping, though the hen may keep it warm it's destiny was never to occupy the same role as the seamless others.

I do not claim to have any attachment to the cracked egg we shared. It was brief and in its own way perfection defined. It reminded me a lot about myself and why your type brings out the worst in me....that lost little girl chasing a stray kitten up the street...i didn't see the truck...it didn't see the kitten...i cried but survived the memory.

Bandages

What does it mean to be bandaged? Does it mean one is concealing something? Hurting? Or healing? Maybe a bandage is worn simply to keep things out while healing takes place. To prevent infection and influence from the outside world. Why am I bandaged? I am healing. Rediscovering a healthier and less infected version of myself. I was infected by the influence of another, subjected for too long to control. Control brought about by someone else and their deep-seeded insecurity, and kept involved by the love I felt for them. I fought myself constantly knowing that there was more in this world, or less, but wanting to discover completely the full range of opportunity. I couldn't have it, the freedom that I desired, and him at the same time. So it died, I stopped fighting, and I stopped loving. I didn't want him, but for a little while it seemed easier to stay and learn not to want myself than it did to go ahead and find myself. In hindsight I know it was unsustainable, but at the time it seemed like an option, not a good one, but an option.

Opportunity is in my blood, and change is a constant for me. Am I working towards something? Absolutely. Will I always be working towards something? Absolutely. Why can't I stop? Stopping is the slightly more evil cousin of settling. I have wasted time settling, and occupying a routine that I assumed was expected of me by society. Society told me don't leave. I knew for years that leaving was exactly what I needed to do. Do not misunderstand. My bandages aren't covering wounds of loss, but I have lost, a marriage, a lifestyle, and a familiar place. But all that familiarity brought about was the illusion of comfort. It was time to make an exchange... or quite simply a change. Now I seek constant change. Will I stop? No. Will I settle? Only temporarily. Will I be searching? Always. What purpose do my bandages serve? They are there to hold the pieces of myself together while I try to figure out the connections between them.

The bandages keep me close to myself, warm and peaceful. Peace is gained through the knowledge that I am on a path that I have the power to steer myself or to let my future come to me. Choices are one of the most beautiful things in life. Sometimes the fog is settled so low to the ground it is hard for me to see clearly. Other times it is clear what I have to do, but regardless of the state of the world around me, or of my own consciousness I keep travelling. Today I may prefer to go towards something rather than be passive and let it come to me. Tomorrow I may embrace a more passive approach opting to see what the world decides to send to me. I will take any road, throughout my life I have taken a few, and by the time I am done I will have taken many, but in reality it is only one. I have one path and that is the path that I take, it is my own, I am on my own, not alone, but independent. Some would say I only have one life, so I had better figure it out. Today, I say I have this life to figure it out. As the bandage slowly unravels I am not exposed, or even renewed. This is not a cocoon, I am still myself, but I am revealed.

Something old becomes new again...

It is easy to forget what it is like after nearly a decade of going without. What has happened has reminded me of what I haven't missed because I couldn't remember. I won't say that I need this, or even that I wanted this. I wasn't seeking it out...although I took the necessary steps to make it happen, but I am happy it is here...I am happy it happened. I won't say finally happened even though I suspect that I should.

I want to go into detail, but my reserved nature is preventing me from publicizing my experience. So once again it is up to you the reader to figure out what in the world i am talking about...

Something about silence makes me sick...

What is this, paranoia? Or is my appraisal of the situation honest? Could it be that the way things were, are no longer the way things are? I am not who I was when we started this whole thing. Are you? I warn the world, I will not wait for anyone or anything. Do not make me wait. Why is it that you can? I don't want to but I feel compelled to. Is this normal? Am I behaving properly? Do you not have anything to say about it? To me? What about us? I am choked in more way than one when it comes to you. In good way I believe, i think, maybe. I am feeling hurt. You once told me that if I ever stopped talking to you you would have questions. I don't. I have nothing to say...I just don't understand. I sound like I have lost a lover, but I haven't. I haven't lost anything...it has been mere hours, but where are you in my time of need? I told you I would need you and you disappeared. I try not to be hurt by that, and I try not to feel rejected and uncared for... When it comes down to it I am just a sensitive senseless girl. Keep that in mind will you?

Edits

I have made some very obvious changes to my blog today. I won't say that I am completely happy with the end product, but it is a start. Definitely more appropriate than what I had before. I have also added a flickr banner that you can use to access my photostream. Photography is becoming a big thing for me these days so it is an extension of and compliment to this blog. Why? Because this blog is about me silly.

Splash Award

I was nominated for this Splash blog award a couple months ago, and only just got around to acknowledging the compliment. Not because I wasn't flattered, I was, but I was being neglectful of my blog. Much appreciated Race!

A little bit of exaggerated self reflection...

“It kind of makes you think” he said to her with a certain heaviness in his voice.
She knew what he meant but lightened the mood by letting out a short breathy laugh “yes it does”.
They both laughed in tandem, and didn't discuss it any further.

It had been like this for months. They had all the love that lovers should without the commitment. Best friends they called one another, and they were. Spending hours in the company of each other. No two people could have been closer, but they were too independent. Not even the great deal of love shared between them was enough to make them give up their separate ways. Yes, they knew that there were things they could get from one another that they could not get from others, and they weren't looking for others. They seemed to have the potential to be endless, but did they have forever? In the way that some people do? Would they ever?

"It is good to be single, isn't it?" He said with a smile in his voice.
She knew what he meant and without a hint of laughter she said "yes it is".
They didn't laugh, but just like before they didn't discuss it any further. She sighed, but she does that from time to time.

Sometimes there is a greater purpose for two people. Could it be the case with the two of them? Did they need something? Something like a correction of paths, resulting from the convergence of two minds. Could it be healing, or companionship, an escape, or something more? One detail worth knowing is that neither of them are alone anymore. Is that a problem? Some believe it is. What they share is something most can not understand. It is an affair, and a love story, but unconventional and ruled by reason. Someday maybe it will be something more, but it doesn't seem even slightly deficient in the moment.

It is the little things. Details are important. Today is a detail, filled with little things, and in a sense today is the only thing that is important. The only details worth knowing are the ones that directly effect us in the moment. With no sense of greater purpose or vision for the future she said to herself, to him and to everyone "we will see".