It has been a while since I have posted, and that can only mean one thing. It means that I have been going through a period of time when I have been unable, or more accurately unwilling to relinquish control of my thoughts via blogging.
I think that is something I need to work on. Being less of an internal processor and finding a willingness to throw my thoughts out into the universe for feedback. I found myself doing so the other evening. Allowing myself a moment of vulnerability in the company of someone who has become quite important to me recently. It was a beneficial conversation, and has taught me that I don't really need to rely so heavily on exclusively deciphering my own thoughts or feelings about a situation. This is particularly true when there is another involved in the matter at hand, and when that other may have the very answers that I could have concluded by myself but would only truly become valid with their feedback.
I have been through a fair amount of nonsense this year. Moving around and uncovering secrets that completely disrupted my vision for the future and revised who would be a part of that future. These interruptions and discoveries have led to some changes in me. Some for the better, and some that require patch work to overcome. Anyone who has been tracking me for the past couple years knows that post-separation from my husband I have become somewhat volatile and ever changing. Well surprise! I am changing yet again.
I am tired, exhausted actually, and so I have found a place I feel I can call home for a good long while. Perhaps...permanently. A place that provided me with sense of home ever so briefly in early 2009. I transported myself back to Saskatchewan in late July of this year, all the while throwing a silent mental tantrum. I did not know whether or not I was making the right decision but hoped that it would hold some of the allure it did in the past. Thus far I have not been disappointed by what I have found here. I have a full-time job, working in a restaurant/bar. Not exactly fancy but it is certainly an experience.
I have also met someone who in a shockingly short amount of time has become very important to me. At first it would seem that perhaps our meeting came at the wrong time for both of us because we are both still sorting through thoughts and feelings relating to recent past experiences BUT I choose to believe otherwise. I like to think that the universe would only introduce us with the hope that we could enrich the other and benefit from knowing one another.
So I have made a lot of changes and a few more changes have resulted from those changes, but I am genuinely happy. I feel calm for the first time in a good long while (possibly the first time ever) and I will do whatever I can to hold on to that feeling.
