It used to be that time would pass and I wouldn't give it much thought. Over the last...oh I don't know... month and a half it seems that the characteristics of time have changed. It doesn't pass quite as quickly as it used to, and it is somehow richer than it was before. As though every moment is made up of two or three, and that the world I live in now is one where time is something that entirely revolves around where I need to be and when I need to be there.
Whether where I need to be is a moment or two from now or a few hours, days, or months...lets say five... I am bound by it. Although recently it has become my greatest ally and has delivered a lot of gifts to me in a rather short amount of itself, it is now three times as long as it used to be and knowing the wait I am faced with it is becoming rather bittersweet. The time that has passed is home to the most precious moments of my life, but the time that has yet to elapse... the time I..or we.. will spend waiting is passing on the same watch. Ticking away slower than it used to and even slower still because we are watching it so closely.
Closeness is the true issue, isn't it? We are waiting to be closer, and time has complete control over that. However knowing how time has been treating us over the last little while I can't help but look forward with anticipation. It has much to offer us. All we can do is be patient enough to receive what has to offer us when it decides to allow us to have it, and be grateful that it has chosen to behave for us in such an anomalous manner to begin with. I am fairly certain that had time not changed its ways for us it would have taken us much longer to get where we are right now, and right now is where I want to be. The present is your home and because you are here with me it is also mine.
October 24, 2009
August 29, 2009
July 19, 2009
To Live
It can be rather disorienting. The immense range of opportunities, options and choices that present themselves. It just may be that we end up doing things, meeting people, being places, or making choices that we would not have ever seen ourselves doing. In a way it is the moments when I surprise myself that I enjoy the most. Because it gives me the opportunity to get to know myself a little better in the process. Take that experience, slap it on the table and slice it open...and really figure out what it means. What does it mean? At the very base level it means that I am living. What is the purpose of life? To live. Simple enough, isn't it?
What do I witness as a result of all of this self reflection? Evolution. My oh my, do I love evolution. Adaptation, change, extinction, creation...everything has a purpose and when its purpose is fulfilled it disappears. I see bits and pieces of myself disappearing. Not gone, but hidden. Forced into the caverns of my mind as a result of experiences gained. The people I know and will know. The places I have been and will be. All a promise of something. Not good, not bad, but something.
What do I witness as a result of all of this self reflection? Evolution. My oh my, do I love evolution. Adaptation, change, extinction, creation...everything has a purpose and when its purpose is fulfilled it disappears. I see bits and pieces of myself disappearing. Not gone, but hidden. Forced into the caverns of my mind as a result of experiences gained. The people I know and will know. The places I have been and will be. All a promise of something. Not good, not bad, but something.
July 16, 2009
I know what I would do, but I will leave this one up to you. Proceed with caution fair friend for you know not what you could have or what you are about to do. We had something built on nothing, and that is new. I have had nothing built on something. Neither is easy... but something built on nothing is...time sensitive. A cracked egg seeping, though the hen may keep it warm it's destiny was never to occupy the same role as the seamless others.
I do not claim to have any attachment to the cracked egg we shared. It was brief and in its own way perfection defined. It reminded me a lot about myself and why your type brings out the worst in me....that lost little girl chasing a stray kitten up the street...i didn't see the truck...it didn't see the kitten...i cried but survived the memory.
I do not claim to have any attachment to the cracked egg we shared. It was brief and in its own way perfection defined. It reminded me a lot about myself and why your type brings out the worst in me....that lost little girl chasing a stray kitten up the street...i didn't see the truck...it didn't see the kitten...i cried but survived the memory.
Bandages
What does it mean to be bandaged? Does it mean one is concealing something? Hurting? Or healing? Maybe a bandage is worn simply to keep things out while healing takes place. To prevent infection and influence from the outside world. Why am I bandaged? I am healing. Rediscovering a healthier and less infected version of myself. I was infected by the influence of another, subjected for too long to control. Control brought about by someone else and their deep-seeded insecurity, and kept involved by the love I felt for them. I fought myself constantly knowing that there was more in this world, or less, but wanting to discover completely the full range of opportunity. I couldn't have it, the freedom that I desired, and him at the same time. So it died, I stopped fighting, and I stopped loving. I didn't want him, but for a little while it seemed easier to stay and learn not to want myself than it did to go ahead and find myself. In hindsight I know it was unsustainable, but at the time it seemed like an option, not a good one, but an option.
Opportunity is in my blood, and change is a constant for me. Am I working towards something? Absolutely. Will I always be working towards something? Absolutely. Why can't I stop? Stopping is the slightly more evil cousin of settling. I have wasted time settling, and occupying a routine that I assumed was expected of me by society. Society told me don't leave. I knew for years that leaving was exactly what I needed to do. Do not misunderstand. My bandages aren't covering wounds of loss, but I have lost, a marriage, a lifestyle, and a familiar place. But all that familiarity brought about was the illusion of comfort. It was time to make an exchange... or quite simply a change. Now I seek constant change. Will I stop? No. Will I settle? Only temporarily. Will I be searching? Always. What purpose do my bandages serve? They are there to hold the pieces of myself together while I try to figure out the connections between them.
The bandages keep me close to myself, warm and peaceful. Peace is gained through the knowledge that I am on a path that I have the power to steer myself or to let my future come to me. Choices are one of the most beautiful things in life. Sometimes the fog is settled so low to the ground it is hard for me to see clearly. Other times it is clear what I have to do, but regardless of the state of the world around me, or of my own consciousness I keep travelling. Today I may prefer to go towards something rather than be passive and let it come to me. Tomorrow I may embrace a more passive approach opting to see what the world decides to send to me. I will take any road, throughout my life I have taken a few, and by the time I am done I will have taken many, but in reality it is only one. I have one path and that is the path that I take, it is my own, I am on my own, not alone, but independent. Some would say I only have one life, so I had better figure it out. Today, I say I have this life to figure it out. As the bandage slowly unravels I am not exposed, or even renewed. This is not a cocoon, I am still myself, but I am revealed.
Opportunity is in my blood, and change is a constant for me. Am I working towards something? Absolutely. Will I always be working towards something? Absolutely. Why can't I stop? Stopping is the slightly more evil cousin of settling. I have wasted time settling, and occupying a routine that I assumed was expected of me by society. Society told me don't leave. I knew for years that leaving was exactly what I needed to do. Do not misunderstand. My bandages aren't covering wounds of loss, but I have lost, a marriage, a lifestyle, and a familiar place. But all that familiarity brought about was the illusion of comfort. It was time to make an exchange... or quite simply a change. Now I seek constant change. Will I stop? No. Will I settle? Only temporarily. Will I be searching? Always. What purpose do my bandages serve? They are there to hold the pieces of myself together while I try to figure out the connections between them.
The bandages keep me close to myself, warm and peaceful. Peace is gained through the knowledge that I am on a path that I have the power to steer myself or to let my future come to me. Choices are one of the most beautiful things in life. Sometimes the fog is settled so low to the ground it is hard for me to see clearly. Other times it is clear what I have to do, but regardless of the state of the world around me, or of my own consciousness I keep travelling. Today I may prefer to go towards something rather than be passive and let it come to me. Tomorrow I may embrace a more passive approach opting to see what the world decides to send to me. I will take any road, throughout my life I have taken a few, and by the time I am done I will have taken many, but in reality it is only one. I have one path and that is the path that I take, it is my own, I am on my own, not alone, but independent. Some would say I only have one life, so I had better figure it out. Today, I say I have this life to figure it out. As the bandage slowly unravels I am not exposed, or even renewed. This is not a cocoon, I am still myself, but I am revealed.
July 13, 2009
Something old becomes new again...
It is easy to forget what it is like after nearly a decade of going without. What has happened has reminded me of what I haven't missed because I couldn't remember. I won't say that I need this, or even that I wanted this. I wasn't seeking it out...although I took the necessary steps to make it happen, but I am happy it is here...I am happy it happened. I won't say finally happened even though I suspect that I should.
I want to go into detail, but my reserved nature is preventing me from publicizing my experience. So once again it is up to you the reader to figure out what in the world i am talking about...
I want to go into detail, but my reserved nature is preventing me from publicizing my experience. So once again it is up to you the reader to figure out what in the world i am talking about...
July 8, 2009
Something about silence makes me sick...
What is this, paranoia? Or is my appraisal of the situation honest? Could it be that the way things were, are no longer the way things are? I am not who I was when we started this whole thing. Are you? I warn the world, I will not wait for anyone or anything. Do not make me wait. Why is it that you can? I don't want to but I feel compelled to. Is this normal? Am I behaving properly? Do you not have anything to say about it? To me? What about us? I am choked in more way than one when it comes to you. In good way I believe, i think, maybe. I am feeling hurt. You once told me that if I ever stopped talking to you you would have questions. I don't. I have nothing to say...I just don't understand. I sound like I have lost a lover, but I haven't. I haven't lost anything...it has been mere hours, but where are you in my time of need? I told you I would need you and you disappeared. I try not to be hurt by that, and I try not to feel rejected and uncared for... When it comes down to it I am just a sensitive senseless girl. Keep that in mind will you?
Edits
I have made some very obvious changes to my blog today. I won't say that I am completely happy with the end product, but it is a start. Definitely more appropriate than what I had before. I have also added a flickr banner that you can use to access my photostream. Photography is becoming a big thing for me these days so it is an extension of and compliment to this blog. Why? Because this blog is about me silly.
June 30, 2009
Splash Award
I was nominated for this Splash blog award a couple months ago, and only just got around to acknowledging the compliment. Not because I wasn't flattered, I was, but I was being neglectful of my blog. Much appreciated Race!
June 29, 2009
A little bit of exaggerated self reflection...
“It kind of makes you think” he said to her with a certain heaviness in his voice.
She knew what he meant but lightened the mood by letting out a short breathy laugh “yes it does”.
They both laughed in tandem, and didn't discuss it any further.
It had been like this for months. They had all the love that lovers should without the commitment. Best friends they called one another, and they were. Spending hours in the company of each other. No two people could have been closer, but they were too independent. Not even the great deal of love shared between them was enough to make them give up their separate ways. Yes, they knew that there were things they could get from one another that they could not get from others, and they weren't looking for others. They seemed to have the potential to be endless, but did they have forever? In the way that some people do? Would they ever?
"It is good to be single, isn't it?" He said with a smile in his voice.
She knew what he meant and without a hint of laughter she said "yes it is".
They didn't laugh, but just like before they didn't discuss it any further. She sighed, but she does that from time to time.
Sometimes there is a greater purpose for two people. Could it be the case with the two of them? Did they need something? Something like a correction of paths, resulting from the convergence of two minds. Could it be healing, or companionship, an escape, or something more? One detail worth knowing is that neither of them are alone anymore. Is that a problem? Some believe it is. What they share is something most can not understand. It is an affair, and a love story, but unconventional and ruled by reason. Someday maybe it will be something more, but it doesn't seem even slightly deficient in the moment.
It is the little things. Details are important. Today is a detail, filled with little things, and in a sense today is the only thing that is important. The only details worth knowing are the ones that directly effect us in the moment. With no sense of greater purpose or vision for the future she said to herself, to him and to everyone "we will see".
She knew what he meant but lightened the mood by letting out a short breathy laugh “yes it does”.
They both laughed in tandem, and didn't discuss it any further.
It had been like this for months. They had all the love that lovers should without the commitment. Best friends they called one another, and they were. Spending hours in the company of each other. No two people could have been closer, but they were too independent. Not even the great deal of love shared between them was enough to make them give up their separate ways. Yes, they knew that there were things they could get from one another that they could not get from others, and they weren't looking for others. They seemed to have the potential to be endless, but did they have forever? In the way that some people do? Would they ever?
"It is good to be single, isn't it?" He said with a smile in his voice.
She knew what he meant and without a hint of laughter she said "yes it is".
They didn't laugh, but just like before they didn't discuss it any further. She sighed, but she does that from time to time.
Sometimes there is a greater purpose for two people. Could it be the case with the two of them? Did they need something? Something like a correction of paths, resulting from the convergence of two minds. Could it be healing, or companionship, an escape, or something more? One detail worth knowing is that neither of them are alone anymore. Is that a problem? Some believe it is. What they share is something most can not understand. It is an affair, and a love story, but unconventional and ruled by reason. Someday maybe it will be something more, but it doesn't seem even slightly deficient in the moment.
It is the little things. Details are important. Today is a detail, filled with little things, and in a sense today is the only thing that is important. The only details worth knowing are the ones that directly effect us in the moment. With no sense of greater purpose or vision for the future she said to herself, to him and to everyone "we will see".
May 15, 2009
There has been some complaing about the unclear nature of some of my blog posts. I want you all to know that if my post does not make sense it is intentional. You may ask me about the meaning behind my words and if I see value in sharing I will. Otherwise you have my permission to attach any meaning to it would you like. Slander me. Analyze me. Construct me. Deconstruct me. Or if you can manage to, do the same or worse to yourself. Yes, I know we are living in a fact based society, but honestly ask yourself why you need to know? I would rather you misunderstand me than allow myself to be restricted coherent posts. There are always things in ones life that are not to be shared with others, or only to be shared with a select few. At time I use this blog to share things in my life that feel I can not comfortably divulge. So you get analysis without the subject being openly declared. Maybe you will find meaning in the analysis. What I won't say is "I don't care if you understand, because I write for myself." If I said that it would a a half truth, because often I don't care if you understand but I do not write only for myself. If I did then the contents of this blog would be written in a locked journal instead tucked away beneath my neatly folded socks nestled in my precious new dresser drawer. Oh look at me giving away all my secrets.
May 11, 2009
An Early Morning Post
I bought a dresser on Saturday. A place to store my clothing. A place for them to call home. I hope that someday I am as lucky as they are. Over the last little while I have been thinking about what it is that I truly want from life and I do know. It will come as a disappointment to most of my friends, but I want the same things I wanted a few months ago. The very same things I left to find. Although I did not find what I was looking for at the time I am plotting ways to find it again. I can not tell you why I am drawn to Saskatchewan. Perhaps it is a place to clear my head, and to focus on what it is that needs attention in my life. I seek to find a place of seclusion. Which to be honest here in my nest far away from everyone I almost have what it is that I want. One close friend calls it my sanctuary, and I must agree. But there are things that I can not have here that I could have there. Although there would be sacrifices I have been there and I have tasted what it is that I want, and I must say it is worthwhile. I am doing my time here and waiting for the day that I can break loose. That is going to take quite a bit of time. So much time that I may find another path. But I am plotting my escape. Yes, it would be an escape...I won't deny that. But and escape for the right reason. The reason? Now is the time for me to truly focus on getting what it is that I want and need, and that can only be done if I am able to live without distraction for a little while. I am alone, but not lonely, and I need it to be this way.
April 14, 2009
Make Me
Tell me where this compulsion comes from? You can tell me time, and time again. I only want to hear it, even though I know it, mirroring my thoughts with your speech. That is the ultimate. How is it that I came to be as I am today? Could I have resisted it? Such independence, and free thinking. That I can now see and enjoy something that I previously did not consider. It is a gift. One that most would not be open to receiving, but it moves me, it compels me, it makes me look skyward and ponder. Should I look over there? Should I change my point of view? It makes me expect more of others. It makes me wish i could be their puppeteer for my own benefit, and theirs if they can see the value of it. Most of all it made me realize that though there will be times in my life where I will go without, never again will I be without.
March 20, 2009
Another Late Night
Tonight it hurts. The ache of loneliness is crushing me, the feelings of inferiority and self-doubt are taking over. Keep trying, try harder, and don't quit. Shut-up. All the things I tell myself just to stay motivated. To keep myself from seeing the truth. The routine I have known is gone, and I am alone again. Yet, it seems to come back and sting me now just as it has in the past. Is it you? Maybe, or maybe not. Is it me? Without a doubt. I have nothing but myself at this time, so it must be me. It is always me. I feel as though the quality of things has been compromised. That the shards of self that I have worked so hard to reassemble, are not being held as tightly by the glue as I thought they would have been.
(Writers Note: March 22, 2009 - I don't want to post this, but I will. A fragment of a moment, an incomplete blog, but not something I can finish now. The feeling has started to pass, and though it is not entirely gone, the intensity has lessened.)
(Writers Note: March 22, 2009 - I don't want to post this, but I will. A fragment of a moment, an incomplete blog, but not something I can finish now. The feeling has started to pass, and though it is not entirely gone, the intensity has lessened.)
March 18, 2009
My Rant
I had my first job interview today, and admittedly I would like to work for the company. However the interview left me feeling deeply uncertain about how things are going to pan out.
First of all, the employer has not actually decided whether or not she is going to fire the person I would be replacing. I found this discovery mildly annoying. However she was pretty quick to say that she is considering opening up a new position even if she doesn't fire the girl. So the job may not even exist? Ummm...damn. That is just one level of uncertainty.
Secondly, she told me that if I have any other job offers to please come and talk to her first. So do they only want me if someone else also wants me? Or is she looking to hire me, but just doesn't want to tell me right away. I can't really say one way or another.
Also, she told me she has three other people she has to interview before she makes a decision. Ok, fine. Sure. Four people are being interviewed for a position that may or may not be available. However, she proceeded to tell me that I had very strong letter writing skills, and the best resume she had seen out of 100+ people she has had apply for this job in the past. Both very flattering, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if I don't get the job. Is having the best resume and the strong letter writing skills enough? Is it to much? After all, my last employer didn't want to hire me because I was "to intellectual". They said it, not me. I was blown away by them saying this, because pardon me for being old fashioned, but I think being smart is a desirable trait.
With respect to this interview. I don't know where it is going, or if it is going anywhere at all. She said she would call me on Monday to let me know. Then she said, no I will try to aim for Friday. Well... I guess all I can really do is wait to hear what she decides. Having said all of that I really liked her, I liked the office, I like the description of the position and the potential for growth.
There you have it. One interview down, and I survived. Although I am not entirely thrilled with the process so far. I pray for a quick end to this madness.
First of all, the employer has not actually decided whether or not she is going to fire the person I would be replacing. I found this discovery mildly annoying. However she was pretty quick to say that she is considering opening up a new position even if she doesn't fire the girl. So the job may not even exist? Ummm...damn. That is just one level of uncertainty.
Secondly, she told me that if I have any other job offers to please come and talk to her first. So do they only want me if someone else also wants me? Or is she looking to hire me, but just doesn't want to tell me right away. I can't really say one way or another.
Also, she told me she has three other people she has to interview before she makes a decision. Ok, fine. Sure. Four people are being interviewed for a position that may or may not be available. However, she proceeded to tell me that I had very strong letter writing skills, and the best resume she had seen out of 100+ people she has had apply for this job in the past. Both very flattering, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if I don't get the job. Is having the best resume and the strong letter writing skills enough? Is it to much? After all, my last employer didn't want to hire me because I was "to intellectual". They said it, not me. I was blown away by them saying this, because pardon me for being old fashioned, but I think being smart is a desirable trait.
With respect to this interview. I don't know where it is going, or if it is going anywhere at all. She said she would call me on Monday to let me know. Then she said, no I will try to aim for Friday. Well... I guess all I can really do is wait to hear what she decides. Having said all of that I really liked her, I liked the office, I like the description of the position and the potential for growth.
There you have it. One interview down, and I survived. Although I am not entirely thrilled with the process so far. I pray for a quick end to this madness.
March 16, 2009
The Huntress or The Hunted?
For the past 5 days I have been actively searching for a job. I am looking all over the place, but focusing my search on Downtown Vancouver. After a romp in the wild country of Saskatchewan the next logical step is to move to the City of Vancouver, isn't it? Honestly I decided to move out that way after talking to a friend and making some plans to become roommates in the big, bad city in a couple months.
I toyed with the idea of getting a job locally and saving up some money to move and then finding another job out that way. Seriously, how stupid would that be? Two job searches in this brutal economy? Forget it. Over the past five days I have applied for 30+ jobs and I have had two responses. My first interview is tomorrow and then I have another one the day after. Last time I was looking for a job I applied to one place and was hired. Times are changing. I have found that it is prudent to change with them.
I have had the greatest amount of success with allowing employers to come to me rather than searching for them. Why? Because if you grab their attention and they initiate contact you are in a pool of one...or at least few candidates for the position. If you run around like a fool applying for every job that suits your needs (like every one does including me) then you are in a pool of 100+ applicants vying for one measly position. See the logic behind baiting the employer to come to you? It works. You get a crack at an unadvertised position, and that is very beneficial in such a competitive job market.
I am looking forward to my interview tomorrow, and I am of course hopeful that my job search will be over and this one will be the one. I don't know much about the position, but i do know a little bit about the company from personal web research and I do believe that it would be the kind of environment that I would enjoy working in.
So, tonight I go to bed early, and tomorrow I get up very early (4:30 - 5:00 am) so that I can catch the first morning train to the city. Why? Because until I move out that way I will need to take the train to the city every weekday. It means I will be in Vancouver around 7 am for an interview that doesn't start until 2 pm, but I need to research my future transportation before I can completely decide to rely on it. The round trip is going to cost me about $20, so it is certainly not a free experiment. However it is necessary, and once I have a job I will buy a pass that allows me to travel at a much cheaper rate (though it will still be fairly pricey). That is why moving to the city will be necessary within a couple months. Not to mention how tiring a 1 hour commute there and 1 hour commute back is going to be. Although I have experienced worse. It used to take me 2 hours to get to my university from my house. That was a dreadful experience, and it resulted in me deciding that attendance was optional. That doesn't exactly work for a job, and a one hour commute is actually not bad at all in comparison. One hour is not ideal though so I will be moving, very soon.
Oddly enough, I have never been interested in the idea of moving to Vancouver. It never crossed my mind as something I could see myself doing. Then again neither did Saskatchewan, and we all know I did that. I suppose right now I am open to any change, and I certainly need to go where the opportunity is. In my opinion, Vancouver is the place to be at the moment. Go where the jobs are, and right now that is in the city. So here I go again, and honestly I am tired of all of this moving around. I haven't been settled in over 4 months, and it is starting to feel like an eternity. This next move is probably going to be the last one I make for quite sometime. So no worries future roommate I am in it for the long haul.
I toyed with the idea of getting a job locally and saving up some money to move and then finding another job out that way. Seriously, how stupid would that be? Two job searches in this brutal economy? Forget it. Over the past five days I have applied for 30+ jobs and I have had two responses. My first interview is tomorrow and then I have another one the day after. Last time I was looking for a job I applied to one place and was hired. Times are changing. I have found that it is prudent to change with them.
I have had the greatest amount of success with allowing employers to come to me rather than searching for them. Why? Because if you grab their attention and they initiate contact you are in a pool of one...or at least few candidates for the position. If you run around like a fool applying for every job that suits your needs (like every one does including me) then you are in a pool of 100+ applicants vying for one measly position. See the logic behind baiting the employer to come to you? It works. You get a crack at an unadvertised position, and that is very beneficial in such a competitive job market.
I am looking forward to my interview tomorrow, and I am of course hopeful that my job search will be over and this one will be the one. I don't know much about the position, but i do know a little bit about the company from personal web research and I do believe that it would be the kind of environment that I would enjoy working in.
So, tonight I go to bed early, and tomorrow I get up very early (4:30 - 5:00 am) so that I can catch the first morning train to the city. Why? Because until I move out that way I will need to take the train to the city every weekday. It means I will be in Vancouver around 7 am for an interview that doesn't start until 2 pm, but I need to research my future transportation before I can completely decide to rely on it. The round trip is going to cost me about $20, so it is certainly not a free experiment. However it is necessary, and once I have a job I will buy a pass that allows me to travel at a much cheaper rate (though it will still be fairly pricey). That is why moving to the city will be necessary within a couple months. Not to mention how tiring a 1 hour commute there and 1 hour commute back is going to be. Although I have experienced worse. It used to take me 2 hours to get to my university from my house. That was a dreadful experience, and it resulted in me deciding that attendance was optional. That doesn't exactly work for a job, and a one hour commute is actually not bad at all in comparison. One hour is not ideal though so I will be moving, very soon.
Oddly enough, I have never been interested in the idea of moving to Vancouver. It never crossed my mind as something I could see myself doing. Then again neither did Saskatchewan, and we all know I did that. I suppose right now I am open to any change, and I certainly need to go where the opportunity is. In my opinion, Vancouver is the place to be at the moment. Go where the jobs are, and right now that is in the city. So here I go again, and honestly I am tired of all of this moving around. I haven't been settled in over 4 months, and it is starting to feel like an eternity. This next move is probably going to be the last one I make for quite sometime. So no worries future roommate I am in it for the long haul.
March 10, 2009
Belly Dance Bio
I understand that you are curious about me, or at the very least me as a dancer. Well, as far as belly dance is concerned I walked into my first class in January of 2007. I came with a friend but in a state of mild protest, because I did not see how a crystal encrusted, stretch velvet wearing, midriff exposing dance would appeal to me. In that first class I found out very quickly that the beauty of belly dance is in the movement. Months passed by and I felt a greater sense of control over my physical being. I don't mean to imply it in a spiritual sense, but I felt stronger and more allied with my body. This connection is still with me today, and I don't care what day today may be for you the reader, because I can confidently say it is still with me.
In December 2007, I teamed up with Skye to take part in her dance project EV. Stylistically speaking EV is where belly dance and I merge, and I am lucky to have found a dance partner with similar interests and the same desire to explore them. Over the past couple years I have grown to appreciate belly dance in all its forms, and yes, I even see the beauty in the crystal encrusted dancers.
For me dance is a way to express and explore my different interests. This is accomplished through costume, choreography and, of course, music. I could say so many cliche things about belly dance and why it is important to me. I could call it my passion. I could call it my hobby. I could call it my art form. None of these things do it justice, and while they may be accurate, dance is first and foremost cathartic to me. Yes. Yes that is it. Catharsis. To me dance is a purging of emotions through art, a purification through self-expression, and an elimination of complexities.
In December 2007, I teamed up with Skye to take part in her dance project EV. Stylistically speaking EV is where belly dance and I merge, and I am lucky to have found a dance partner with similar interests and the same desire to explore them. Over the past couple years I have grown to appreciate belly dance in all its forms, and yes, I even see the beauty in the crystal encrusted dancers.
For me dance is a way to express and explore my different interests. This is accomplished through costume, choreography and, of course, music. I could say so many cliche things about belly dance and why it is important to me. I could call it my passion. I could call it my hobby. I could call it my art form. None of these things do it justice, and while they may be accurate, dance is first and foremost cathartic to me. Yes. Yes that is it. Catharsis. To me dance is a purging of emotions through art, a purification through self-expression, and an elimination of complexities.
March 4, 2009
Were Off To See The Wizard
This is for those who dare to venture out into the unknown, and take a chance.
For those who allow their hands to clam up in anticipation, and their hearts to race with nerves.
If at any moment you wonder what you are doing remember why you want this so much.
Why it is so worthwhile to put yourself out there, and run the risk of returning bruised or broken.
I can't help but think about this. Being content in the moment, but still wanting more. Never wanting the heart to slow, though knowing it will. Never wanting the excitement to pass, but knowing that there will be a time when you will settle into a routine. The routine things in our lives are just as beautiful as the unknown. The routine things in my life, when I am in the same place at the same time with the same person, are precious. Those are the moments I live for. The moments that carry me through the unknown, and keep me moving down that empty road. The moments that guide me, even when the fog has settled so low to the ground it is blinding. The future is among that fog, I am moving towards it, but it is also moving towards me. I can't stop, because even if I do it will keep going and find me.
For those who allow their hands to clam up in anticipation, and their hearts to race with nerves.
If at any moment you wonder what you are doing remember why you want this so much.
Why it is so worthwhile to put yourself out there, and run the risk of returning bruised or broken.
I can't help but think about this. Being content in the moment, but still wanting more. Never wanting the heart to slow, though knowing it will. Never wanting the excitement to pass, but knowing that there will be a time when you will settle into a routine. The routine things in our lives are just as beautiful as the unknown. The routine things in my life, when I am in the same place at the same time with the same person, are precious. Those are the moments I live for. The moments that carry me through the unknown, and keep me moving down that empty road. The moments that guide me, even when the fog has settled so low to the ground it is blinding. The future is among that fog, I am moving towards it, but it is also moving towards me. I can't stop, because even if I do it will keep going and find me.
February 26, 2009
Daydreams and Doilies
I went for a walk today, and when I wasn't choking on exhaust it was pretty nice. It is nice and cool out thanks to the snow on the ground and the just below freezing temperatures. I have been dealing with a sinus infection since I have been back in British Columbia, and today I had a particularly nasty sinus headache. I figured some fresh air and a little exercise would be helpful, and I was right.
I live just down the street from a thrift store affiliated with the Mennonite church. It is actually a great thrift store, it is filled with stuff that you would see at people's grandparents houses. Admittedly I love that type of stuff. If it is old and if most people would consider it tacky I am probably going to take it home with me. Well not really, but I would at least think about it.
The one thing I almost bought was a little box with Peruvian Worry Dolls in it. I love those things, but then I had a thought...should one buy previously owned worry dolls? Does that mean they won't be free to cater to my worries? So I set them back down, but I wanted them. I have a weak spot for Peruvian Worry Dolls and I have since I was a child. Don't ask why. I wouldn't be able to tell you why, because I have no idea.
I am probably going back to that thrift store again tomorrow because there was a lamp there that I need to buy. I only sort of need it, but I definitely want it. It will go really well with the lamp I bought there the other day, and it is only $10 so why not? What I really need is a bookshelf and a dresser. I really don't want to give in and start hanging my clothing on hangers, but it seems that I am going to need to do that. I would much rather fold them and put them in drawers, but I only have four little ones.
I like thrift stores right now. After years of shunning them I have returned. Why? I am fascinated by things that old people have owned. I guess it is because in many ways I am fascinated by old people. I know it is odd to say, but I look forward to getting old. Imagine all the cool stuff I will have...
I live just down the street from a thrift store affiliated with the Mennonite church. It is actually a great thrift store, it is filled with stuff that you would see at people's grandparents houses. Admittedly I love that type of stuff. If it is old and if most people would consider it tacky I am probably going to take it home with me. Well not really, but I would at least think about it.
The one thing I almost bought was a little box with Peruvian Worry Dolls in it. I love those things, but then I had a thought...should one buy previously owned worry dolls? Does that mean they won't be free to cater to my worries? So I set them back down, but I wanted them. I have a weak spot for Peruvian Worry Dolls and I have since I was a child. Don't ask why. I wouldn't be able to tell you why, because I have no idea.
I am probably going back to that thrift store again tomorrow because there was a lamp there that I need to buy. I only sort of need it, but I definitely want it. It will go really well with the lamp I bought there the other day, and it is only $10 so why not? What I really need is a bookshelf and a dresser. I really don't want to give in and start hanging my clothing on hangers, but it seems that I am going to need to do that. I would much rather fold them and put them in drawers, but I only have four little ones.
I like thrift stores right now. After years of shunning them I have returned. Why? I am fascinated by things that old people have owned. I guess it is because in many ways I am fascinated by old people. I know it is odd to say, but I look forward to getting old. Imagine all the cool stuff I will have...
February 25, 2009
When the World was New
What is it about where I am that stifles me so much? I want to write and over the past few days I have tried, but I cannot seem to find anything to say. A little over a week ago the world was new, bright, fresh and exciting. My jaw was slack and wide in awe, and I seemed to be drinking it all in. Every minute the world assaulted me with its beauty, but now it seems to have retreated. I don't want to look around me, and when I force myself to I don't see anything there. I am blinded by the monotony of this place. Familiarity should bring comfort, and it does, but the problem is that comfort seems to dull even the sharpest of minds.
My plea is as follows...Take me anywhere but here. Take me to a place where I will be able to see again. Take me back to the place and the time when the world was new, and if you can not, bring me forward so that I may witness the day when it renews itself and my vision is restored.
My plea is as follows...Take me anywhere but here. Take me to a place where I will be able to see again. Take me back to the place and the time when the world was new, and if you can not, bring me forward so that I may witness the day when it renews itself and my vision is restored.
February 16, 2009
The Homecoming
I am here, and yet I am not. Where I am is where I have been, but where I have been is not necessarily where I want to be right now. What I need is to find my path among the cluttered streets and the filth. It is dirty here, you know. If you had my eyes right now you would see it too. No longer do I stare at the pristine blue skies and bright white crystal snow. On the horizon I see a layer of smog, not the edge of the world. On the street sides I see crowds of houses among the litter, no longer do I see the wide open spaces that stretched into forever. I have seen these things you know, and I have been entranced by their beauty. Bleak and barren, but with the promise of fertility. To all my friends, I love you all, and I am happy to be close to you again. However, know I am in mourning, and also know I have changed. My mind is a wide open space looking out onto the horizon, and there is a road I must take. Once I find that road, or it finds me, I will be gone again.
February 15, 2009
YEE HAW! You are in for a Wild Ride! a.k.a Buck-up Buckaroo its not that Bad
I am currently sitting in the Calgary Airport. Overhead that hideous new Beyonce song is playing...no...not anymore it is Lady Gaga now. Who dresses cool, but that may be the extent of her appeal if you want my honest opinion.
Next to me rests a very distraught kitty, who is currently taking a break from his soft meows and spinning around in the carrier for a quick....oh don't you say it....but I want to....ok fine but you are going to seem like an idiot....so what.... a quick cat nap. *snickers* Honestly it is no laughing matter, he is very unhappy. He isn't responding the same this time to the half of a sedative. He was angelic when we flew out to Regina, but cleary all this hopping around is wearing his patience thin. No drug can convince him otherwise. To make matters worse I had a urination oopsie to attend to. Oh how pleasant....now I can't get the smell of cat pee out of my head....could be because I now smell like cat pee. Maybe that means the next person that sits next to me on my next flight will leave me alone (story will come later).
My flight experience so far has been mixed. First of all, the woman that checked me in was miserable, which would have been fine with me if she had done her job properly....she didn't though. What happened? Well, I waited 20 minutes in a line-up to go through the security checkpoint. No problem. I am seriously a pro at the security checkpoint. I know what to put in each little bin and exactly how much... BUT BUT BUT BUT.... I unloaded all my stuff, pulled out my laptop, took off my coat and sweater and I was pumped ready to pull the cat out and walk through the metal detector....when I asked for the go ahead to do so the guy looks down at my boarding pass and says "You have a cat?". No, it isn't a real cat I just bring my stuffie along for plane rides so I can play pretend. YES I HAVE A CAT. Look at me...I am covered in cat fur because he is one stressed kitty. The guy tells me to hold on so that they can verify my cat is authorized to be on the plane. That is cool whatever. But then they came back and told me there wasn't anyone upstairs that could verify it so I needed to go downstairs to the check-in desk and START ALL OVER AGAIN. I said “alright” with a sigh “but will I need to stand in that line-up again?”. He nodded and said it shouldn't be that bad. Meanwhile it was at least two and a half times the length it was when I was in it the first time. I was...I was...well I don't want to say what I was, but let me just say I came near to the point of telling him that it was their mistake so they had just better find someone to check my booking out because I didn't want to stand in that line-up again. But I didn't do that... He said he was sorry and that they have been screwing up at check-in all day. I can guess why, because I had to deal with the miserable hag downstairs.
I relented, went back downstairs and very unhappily waited in the line-up to check-in for the second time. I approached a different woman at the check-in counter, and she looked at me raised an eyebrow and asked me how my day was going. I was honest. From that point it was smooth sailing. She sorted it out, escorted me back to the security checkpoint and to the front of the line....not the very front, but close enough. No sooner did I get through the checkpoint I hear my name called overhead requesting me to report to my gate. Really? Not another complication I hope, and at this point I can't help but smirk at the idea of another problem. Turns out it wasn't a problem, actually the woman downstairs requested that one of the flight attendants meet me at the gate and help me get situated. I would never have requested such a thing, but definitely appreciate them putting out the effort to make sure my experience is as comfortable as possible. The flight attendant's name was Danny and she looked and sounded very similar to Sarah Silverman. Except she had a tiny little nose stud, and apparently loves cats. She wanted to carry him, but I wouldn't allow it. I am an overbearing, overprotective cat mother...so no you can't carry my cat.
Danny helped me get situated on the plane, brought me a cup of ice for boots because apparently it helps sometimes. The man that was assigned to sit beside me (well it turns out later that he is unable to differentiate between a b and a d) showed up, so she said if i needed her for anything to call, and went about her business. The guy sat down beside me and he .....wreaked of alcohol....great. You have got to be kidding me. Very first thing he does is say “so you made it through did you” with a drunken chuckle.
“Yes I did, they made a mistake, didn't book the cat”.
“Oh you have a cat?”
“Yes”
“In cargo?”
“No, at my feet”
“Oh”.
That is the last thing he said to me and I certainly wasn't about to strike up a conversation with him. Drunky Skunk. It was about at this point that the guy that was supposed to sit in that seat showed up...but they traded instead of righting the situation. So I spent the rest of the flight nervously attending to my cat, and the drunk spend the rest of the flight staring at me nervously attending to my cat. I suppose if he wants to watch someone while they are bent over with their cheek pressed against the seatback in front of them so that they can reach well enough to stroke their cat with a couple fingers to calm him that is his perogative. You can look at me all you want, but it is not a guarantee I am going to talk to you. I didn't even look back at him. Not once. Don't make eye contact, and avoid further contact. That is my motto. So here I am...in the Calgary airport...where the wireless connection is poor....and i suppose if I get a drink from Starbucks it may poison me....I am tempted.
Next to me rests a very distraught kitty, who is currently taking a break from his soft meows and spinning around in the carrier for a quick....oh don't you say it....but I want to....ok fine but you are going to seem like an idiot....so what.... a quick cat nap. *snickers* Honestly it is no laughing matter, he is very unhappy. He isn't responding the same this time to the half of a sedative. He was angelic when we flew out to Regina, but cleary all this hopping around is wearing his patience thin. No drug can convince him otherwise. To make matters worse I had a urination oopsie to attend to. Oh how pleasant....now I can't get the smell of cat pee out of my head....could be because I now smell like cat pee. Maybe that means the next person that sits next to me on my next flight will leave me alone (story will come later).
My flight experience so far has been mixed. First of all, the woman that checked me in was miserable, which would have been fine with me if she had done her job properly....she didn't though. What happened? Well, I waited 20 minutes in a line-up to go through the security checkpoint. No problem. I am seriously a pro at the security checkpoint. I know what to put in each little bin and exactly how much... BUT BUT BUT BUT.... I unloaded all my stuff, pulled out my laptop, took off my coat and sweater and I was pumped ready to pull the cat out and walk through the metal detector....when I asked for the go ahead to do so the guy looks down at my boarding pass and says "You have a cat?". No, it isn't a real cat I just bring my stuffie along for plane rides so I can play pretend. YES I HAVE A CAT. Look at me...I am covered in cat fur because he is one stressed kitty. The guy tells me to hold on so that they can verify my cat is authorized to be on the plane. That is cool whatever. But then they came back and told me there wasn't anyone upstairs that could verify it so I needed to go downstairs to the check-in desk and START ALL OVER AGAIN. I said “alright” with a sigh “but will I need to stand in that line-up again?”. He nodded and said it shouldn't be that bad. Meanwhile it was at least two and a half times the length it was when I was in it the first time. I was...I was...well I don't want to say what I was, but let me just say I came near to the point of telling him that it was their mistake so they had just better find someone to check my booking out because I didn't want to stand in that line-up again. But I didn't do that... He said he was sorry and that they have been screwing up at check-in all day. I can guess why, because I had to deal with the miserable hag downstairs.
I relented, went back downstairs and very unhappily waited in the line-up to check-in for the second time. I approached a different woman at the check-in counter, and she looked at me raised an eyebrow and asked me how my day was going. I was honest. From that point it was smooth sailing. She sorted it out, escorted me back to the security checkpoint and to the front of the line....not the very front, but close enough. No sooner did I get through the checkpoint I hear my name called overhead requesting me to report to my gate. Really? Not another complication I hope, and at this point I can't help but smirk at the idea of another problem. Turns out it wasn't a problem, actually the woman downstairs requested that one of the flight attendants meet me at the gate and help me get situated. I would never have requested such a thing, but definitely appreciate them putting out the effort to make sure my experience is as comfortable as possible. The flight attendant's name was Danny and she looked and sounded very similar to Sarah Silverman. Except she had a tiny little nose stud, and apparently loves cats. She wanted to carry him, but I wouldn't allow it. I am an overbearing, overprotective cat mother...so no you can't carry my cat.
Danny helped me get situated on the plane, brought me a cup of ice for boots because apparently it helps sometimes. The man that was assigned to sit beside me (well it turns out later that he is unable to differentiate between a b and a d) showed up, so she said if i needed her for anything to call, and went about her business. The guy sat down beside me and he .....wreaked of alcohol....great. You have got to be kidding me. Very first thing he does is say “so you made it through did you” with a drunken chuckle.
“Yes I did, they made a mistake, didn't book the cat”.
“Oh you have a cat?”
“Yes”
“In cargo?”
“No, at my feet”
“Oh”.
That is the last thing he said to me and I certainly wasn't about to strike up a conversation with him. Drunky Skunk. It was about at this point that the guy that was supposed to sit in that seat showed up...but they traded instead of righting the situation. So I spent the rest of the flight nervously attending to my cat, and the drunk spend the rest of the flight staring at me nervously attending to my cat. I suppose if he wants to watch someone while they are bent over with their cheek pressed against the seatback in front of them so that they can reach well enough to stroke their cat with a couple fingers to calm him that is his perogative. You can look at me all you want, but it is not a guarantee I am going to talk to you. I didn't even look back at him. Not once. Don't make eye contact, and avoid further contact. That is my motto. So here I am...in the Calgary airport...where the wireless connection is poor....and i suppose if I get a drink from Starbucks it may poison me....I am tempted.
February 14, 2009
Lightning Colored Sky
I really like this photo, the colours and the scenery. It reminds me of where I am in life, and the things that make me smile. There is always a road that leads somewhere, but danger lurks in the most beautiful places. Beware but enjoy.
Red
I have a new nickname. Given to me by a nice old man. Ron who I previously mentioned in this blog called me Red today. Hey it is not super creative but it is a nickname nonetheless, and I appreciate it. To bad today is the last day I will see him. Good people come and go, but at least I know they exist.
February 12, 2009
The Season
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
What am I doing? I don't do this. Looking down at my foot I think "what do you think you are doing?". I don't wiggle, umm, at least not usually. I bring my hand to my mouth....I want it....I want to bite my nails.... That is when I realized. I am nervous. Your situation is making me nervous. I don't want to bite my nails though. I mean I want to, but I don't want to. I glute squeeze instead (it is a bellydance thing) and has become a bit of a nervous habit. At least I can build muscle while I am nervous instead of making my fingers sore and bloody.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Really? Honestly? Am I sure I am nervous? I can hear it pounding. The rain and the hail. I can hear you and your tone. So yes, I am sure. Why do I care? Did you honestly just ask that? Why? It is you. And I... oh you know. It is you. You are there, and I am here. Want to come over? Oh how I wish you could. You are in danger, and I sit by and listen. Not ideal, but I honestly wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I couldn't be anywhere else, at least not happily.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
What did you say? A chill runs up and down my spine, I freeze... you must be kidding me right? I can tell from the tone of your voice that you are not. So stern, so deep...deeper than usual...is that even possible? Apparently. It has touched ground? I let that sink in for a moment. Where? Oh no, not there. I want to scream "take shelter now!" but I stay as calm as I can and silent. You know what to do, and when to do it. I trust that much.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
It is gone? I take in a deep breath and let it out very slowly, but heavily and audibly. It has been a noisy night, and as long as the noise continues I know there is a threat of it touching down again. You have told me so, and I have listened to you. Waiting and wiggling maybe an hour more before the noise fades and we are left in silence. Just you and I. Exhausted. It was a long night.
Tonight I revisited something I already knew. Something I say sometimes. Something you say sometimes. We say it to each other, but after tonight I will never hear it the same, and in particular I will never say it the same. Tonight allowed me to see you in, not a new way, but a more intense way. It was a situational realization, and I suppose one could say it was instinctual. You tell me it is not even the season yet. That there is much more to come. Brutal. Do I have more to learn? Can I handle more? I don't know, but I do know that I will be there.
What am I doing? I don't do this. Looking down at my foot I think "what do you think you are doing?". I don't wiggle, umm, at least not usually. I bring my hand to my mouth....I want it....I want to bite my nails.... That is when I realized. I am nervous. Your situation is making me nervous. I don't want to bite my nails though. I mean I want to, but I don't want to. I glute squeeze instead (it is a bellydance thing) and has become a bit of a nervous habit. At least I can build muscle while I am nervous instead of making my fingers sore and bloody.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Really? Honestly? Am I sure I am nervous? I can hear it pounding. The rain and the hail. I can hear you and your tone. So yes, I am sure. Why do I care? Did you honestly just ask that? Why? It is you. And I... oh you know. It is you. You are there, and I am here. Want to come over? Oh how I wish you could. You are in danger, and I sit by and listen. Not ideal, but I honestly wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I couldn't be anywhere else, at least not happily.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
What did you say? A chill runs up and down my spine, I freeze... you must be kidding me right? I can tell from the tone of your voice that you are not. So stern, so deep...deeper than usual...is that even possible? Apparently. It has touched ground? I let that sink in for a moment. Where? Oh no, not there. I want to scream "take shelter now!" but I stay as calm as I can and silent. You know what to do, and when to do it. I trust that much.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
It is gone? I take in a deep breath and let it out very slowly, but heavily and audibly. It has been a noisy night, and as long as the noise continues I know there is a threat of it touching down again. You have told me so, and I have listened to you. Waiting and wiggling maybe an hour more before the noise fades and we are left in silence. Just you and I. Exhausted. It was a long night.
Tonight I revisited something I already knew. Something I say sometimes. Something you say sometimes. We say it to each other, but after tonight I will never hear it the same, and in particular I will never say it the same. Tonight allowed me to see you in, not a new way, but a more intense way. It was a situational realization, and I suppose one could say it was instinctual. You tell me it is not even the season yet. That there is much more to come. Brutal. Do I have more to learn? Can I handle more? I don't know, but I do know that I will be there.
February 11, 2009
Here We GO!
So for those of you that don't already know. I will be heading back to British Columbia on Sunday. Things did not work out here as they should have...or honestly could have. I was not very well received. Although I love the area, the scenery, and the dynamics of a small town. I need to leave because the situation is really dragging me down emotionally. But you can bet on me looking for something like this in the future now that I have developed a taste for it.
I have fantasized about small town living since I took a trip to Greenwood, BC in 2006. So this is not over yet. Although next time I may just move to a small town in BC. It is hard to get established in small towns because people know you are an outsider and will not necessarily be receptive. I must say that the people I have met in Chaplin, Saskatchewan are amazing people. Deserving of commendation for their welcoming nature. I know I am not staying around long enough to get into the thick of things, but maybe it is better off that way.
That these people will remain beautiful to me is more important at the moment. I have just met them and yet I am sad I will not get to know them better. I am sad I will not get to see Ron and Linda's 50th wedding anniversary. Why? Because the people here have restored my faith in humanity. These are basic people, without distractions. They work, they relax a little bit, and they are happy. I am not saying they don't go through tough times, of course they do, but somehow they make it through without throwing away their sense of community. It may be a year and eight months to early but I wish Ron and Linda a wonderful 50th wedding anniversary. I have no doubt that they will make it there.
I have fantasized about small town living since I took a trip to Greenwood, BC in 2006. So this is not over yet. Although next time I may just move to a small town in BC. It is hard to get established in small towns because people know you are an outsider and will not necessarily be receptive. I must say that the people I have met in Chaplin, Saskatchewan are amazing people. Deserving of commendation for their welcoming nature. I know I am not staying around long enough to get into the thick of things, but maybe it is better off that way.
That these people will remain beautiful to me is more important at the moment. I have just met them and yet I am sad I will not get to know them better. I am sad I will not get to see Ron and Linda's 50th wedding anniversary. Why? Because the people here have restored my faith in humanity. These are basic people, without distractions. They work, they relax a little bit, and they are happy. I am not saying they don't go through tough times, of course they do, but somehow they make it through without throwing away their sense of community. It may be a year and eight months to early but I wish Ron and Linda a wonderful 50th wedding anniversary. I have no doubt that they will make it there.
February 8, 2009
Sunday
As I was heading down my drive way this afternoon I was suddenly compelled to make a right turn instead of my usual left turn. What is the difference? The left turn, followed by a right turn takes me down the road to the diner. A right turn followed by another right turn takes me towards town. I thought it would be about a ten minute walk to town but as I turned the corner I was surprised to see that town is actually only a block up the road. So I walked towards it and altogether it is maybe a five minute walk. The closer I got the more I noticed a marked lack of activity. No this isn't a busy town, but I thought at least someone might be out and about. No. No one. I thought about this for a minute and realized that it was Sunday, and by glancing around it was made very obvious to me that all the businesses in town, civic or otherwise are closed on Sunday.
It would have been a waste of a trip, but the door to the P.O. Box office was open so I was able to check my mail. That was my main purpose for heading towards town so I consider my efforts a success. I took the two grocery flyers in my P.O. Box out and immediately recy....no i didn't because there was only a garbage nearby. I took note of this so that next time I have the opportunity to chat with Renee the Canada Post worker I can mention it to her. That is what you do in a small town I believe. Take note, make requests, and expect improvements. At least I hope. If that is not the expectation I am going to simply be a pain and do that anyhow.
I slowly walked through town, and it was oddly intimate with no one else around. Like I was able to really see it without it being able to see me back. The thought "ghost town" kept running through my mind. The buildings are all white and the paint is old and flaky. With the exception of the post office and the bank which are more modern in appearance. I didn't worry about crosswalks, I sort of leisurely crossed the street wherever I wanted to. No one was around to take issue with it. The businesses in town are all what I would consider essential. City Hall, post office, bank, grocery (very small), insurance, hair dresser, and a hotel. I wondered briefly if I will ever go to that hairdresser. I could use a trim so maybe I will. The only two businesses that could be considered recreational are the billiards hall and the bar. Neither of which will I ever set foot in. There were a few empty buildings. I had a fleeting thought about opening my own business, but I couldn't imagine what the people would want or need. Maybe once I have been here a while I will know. One of the empty buildings used to be a garden centre. I peered through break in the tall white fence and saw a shed with a few stray boards sitting around. I am not sure if this is a seasonal business, but it seems quite deserted to me. One thing I can say for sure is that this town could use to be slathered in a nice coat of colourful paint. White on white, on white is not a recipe for excitement.
I think I will return next Sunday to soak it all in again, I liked the solitude. I loved it and how it made me feel. For a few minutes I was the only person left living in a post-apocalyptic world.
It would have been a waste of a trip, but the door to the P.O. Box office was open so I was able to check my mail. That was my main purpose for heading towards town so I consider my efforts a success. I took the two grocery flyers in my P.O. Box out and immediately recy....no i didn't because there was only a garbage nearby. I took note of this so that next time I have the opportunity to chat with Renee the Canada Post worker I can mention it to her. That is what you do in a small town I believe. Take note, make requests, and expect improvements. At least I hope. If that is not the expectation I am going to simply be a pain and do that anyhow.
I slowly walked through town, and it was oddly intimate with no one else around. Like I was able to really see it without it being able to see me back. The thought "ghost town" kept running through my mind. The buildings are all white and the paint is old and flaky. With the exception of the post office and the bank which are more modern in appearance. I didn't worry about crosswalks, I sort of leisurely crossed the street wherever I wanted to. No one was around to take issue with it. The businesses in town are all what I would consider essential. City Hall, post office, bank, grocery (very small), insurance, hair dresser, and a hotel. I wondered briefly if I will ever go to that hairdresser. I could use a trim so maybe I will. The only two businesses that could be considered recreational are the billiards hall and the bar. Neither of which will I ever set foot in. There were a few empty buildings. I had a fleeting thought about opening my own business, but I couldn't imagine what the people would want or need. Maybe once I have been here a while I will know. One of the empty buildings used to be a garden centre. I peered through break in the tall white fence and saw a shed with a few stray boards sitting around. I am not sure if this is a seasonal business, but it seems quite deserted to me. One thing I can say for sure is that this town could use to be slathered in a nice coat of colourful paint. White on white, on white is not a recipe for excitement.
I think I will return next Sunday to soak it all in again, I liked the solitude. I loved it and how it made me feel. For a few minutes I was the only person left living in a post-apocalyptic world.
February 6, 2009
I just want to call someone!
So here is the story, I ran out of toilet paper, and my dad is just a couple of streets over so I thought "hey I will call him and ask him to bring me some" Easy enough! Right? No, not the case. I dialed his number fifteen times, and the auto lady kept telling me the same thing..."the number you have dialed is a long distance number.....blah blah blah". So I entertained her proclamation and dialed a 1 in front of the number to which she barked "the number you have dialed is not a long distance number". COME ON LADY! Which is it? Make up your mind. So I puzzled over it for a moment...I am a pretty smart cookie in general... but this really stumped me for a couple minutes. But when toilet paper is on the line you need to figure things out... Finally it occurred to me why the auto-lady was rebelling against me... I was dialing a ten-digit number... she recognizes seven-digit numbers for local calls... I needed to drop the area code. I dialed and...SUCCESS!
In other words I made my first local phone call in this strange land, and nearly failed. However, my toilet paper is on its way and all is right with the world....no wait I see headlights... Aha! It has just arrived.
In other words I made my first local phone call in this strange land, and nearly failed. However, my toilet paper is on its way and all is right with the world....no wait I see headlights... Aha! It has just arrived.
February 5, 2009
Little Red House
There is something about a little red house with white trim on it that is fabulous to me. Especially when the roof of the little red house with white trim has a nice layer of snow on it. It is just the way things should be. There is something rustic, and maybe even cabin like about it. If I could I would live in this little house forever, and I honestly do mean that when I say it. It is warm, well insulated, and cozy. Everything I have ever wanted or could ever want in a house. I don't know why but the mansion on the hilltop has never appealed to me. Right now I am getting a taste of what I want, and it won't be long before I go out there and find it for myself. I need to prevent myself from getting to attached to this house, because it is not mine, but I find myself wondering....is there a way I could keep it?
February 4, 2009
My Saskatchewan Picture Set
For those of you that are thorough snoops like me I am providing you with a link to all of my Saskatchewan pictures so far. There are pictures there that I have not featured in the blog, and that are not likely to make it into the blog period. Happy snooping.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89211749@N00/sets/72157594434241675/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89211749@N00/sets/72157594434241675/
February 3, 2009
February 2, 2009
Mad Tea Party, Disneyland Park
This is what I mean when I say I want to go for a ride in a tea cup. Someday I will go, I don't have a choice any longer, not after seeing this photo. Even if the real deal disappoints, I will still be beyond content.
February 1, 2009
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe....or in the middle of Saskatchewan.
There is something about it here, that is idyllic and peaceful. I guess 200 people spread out over vast stretches of land is a recipe for relaxation. I am in the town, just turn down 2nd street and you will find me there, hiding away alone with my spoiled farm cat in a two bedroom home. A little red house with white trim, hold the picket fence. We ain't prissy around these parts.
Can you hear it? I can, that is the wind, and it never stops. There is nothing to stop it. No mountains to block it, no trees to cut into it, it just sweeps across the plains without resistance. A friend of mine said to me recently that there is a significant difference between seeing the world and feeling it. I can still see the world, but I notice that here I feel it. As I take the time to walk back and forth between the restaurant and my new home the wind is a constant reminder of where I am. "You haven't been here before have you?" it whispers forcefully in my ear. "Taste me, notice me, take me in" it persists. The wind is a forceful friend, but rest assured it is a friend. You can spend the night tossing and turning, wake up exhausted, but the moment you step out into the street the wind will wake you up.
Living is standard here, there is wealth around this area, beyond what one would expect. Do you see it in the cars they drive? The clothes they wear? No, not at all. Who do they need to impress? The cattle? The shafts of wheat? No, they do not need to impress anyone or anything. The community is small and the people seem oddly happy, but do not mistake that for a lack of worries. Today we celebrated the coming of February, I had to ask why, but apparently around here it is worth recognizing because the businesses have survived the end of another month, a small landmark, but not a small feat considering today's economy. The people here are not isolated from the rest of the world, impact is felt, but we are nestled here in the middle. Close enough to be concerned, but far enough away to avoid distraction. Focus, and clarity. That is what I need, that is what people have here, and that is what I will find here.
Can you hear it? I can, that is the wind, and it never stops. There is nothing to stop it. No mountains to block it, no trees to cut into it, it just sweeps across the plains without resistance. A friend of mine said to me recently that there is a significant difference between seeing the world and feeling it. I can still see the world, but I notice that here I feel it. As I take the time to walk back and forth between the restaurant and my new home the wind is a constant reminder of where I am. "You haven't been here before have you?" it whispers forcefully in my ear. "Taste me, notice me, take me in" it persists. The wind is a forceful friend, but rest assured it is a friend. You can spend the night tossing and turning, wake up exhausted, but the moment you step out into the street the wind will wake you up.
Living is standard here, there is wealth around this area, beyond what one would expect. Do you see it in the cars they drive? The clothes they wear? No, not at all. Who do they need to impress? The cattle? The shafts of wheat? No, they do not need to impress anyone or anything. The community is small and the people seem oddly happy, but do not mistake that for a lack of worries. Today we celebrated the coming of February, I had to ask why, but apparently around here it is worth recognizing because the businesses have survived the end of another month, a small landmark, but not a small feat considering today's economy. The people here are not isolated from the rest of the world, impact is felt, but we are nestled here in the middle. Close enough to be concerned, but far enough away to avoid distraction. Focus, and clarity. That is what I need, that is what people have here, and that is what I will find here.
January 24, 2009
Good-bye
Oh how very appropriate indeed. Or inappropriate as the case may be. I am coming close to leaving this place, and yes I am starting to feel mildly mournful. Today in particular I was faced with saying "good-bye" to a friend and it was honestly a lot more difficult that I could have imagined it would be. Next week I will be able to call her, say hello, chat for a while, but I will not get to sit across from her for 5 HOURS at a coffee shop and let the conversation guide itself.
There are sacrifices in life that need to be made and the above is only really one example of the many things that I am leaving behind. Predominant in my mind are the people that I will not be able to see. Yes, friends may come and go, but sometimes you meet people that are so entirely endearing that you can't help but feel a little sad when you need to pull yourself away from them.
So to all those that will remain here while I run around, take care, listen to yourself, because that internal voice can be a reliable source of guidance. At the moment my actions echo the voice that seeks to guide me, and it is an important achievement for me. I wish only the same to all of you.
There are sacrifices in life that need to be made and the above is only really one example of the many things that I am leaving behind. Predominant in my mind are the people that I will not be able to see. Yes, friends may come and go, but sometimes you meet people that are so entirely endearing that you can't help but feel a little sad when you need to pull yourself away from them.
So to all those that will remain here while I run around, take care, listen to yourself, because that internal voice can be a reliable source of guidance. At the moment my actions echo the voice that seeks to guide me, and it is an important achievement for me. I wish only the same to all of you.
January 9, 2009
To be known, but not to be left behind.
The problem with familiarity is that there comes a time when you get so comfortable that you are no longer able to appreciate that which you feel you know so well. It was beautiful before you knew it, but now you wonder what may have been, had you not been allowed to know it as well as you think you know it now. When that time comes you must do what you can to regain what you once had, and hopefully find more than you have ever known. If you want to understand me, to know me, you need to understand that I am who I am, but I do change. Yes I know change well, and yes I love it. Of course I do. I would have to be crazy not to... well maybe I am a little crazy. Now I am where I am, but where I am is in a state of unrest. Do not come and go, and expect me to stay.
January 5, 2009
Can you hear it?
Oh I know it so well
that old familiar burn,
the lustful sense of yearning,
when I think of you.
The way you proposition me,
Hunt for my body,
Encourage me to move,
When I hear you.
That familiar thrum,
Like a heartbeat,
Guiding me,
Gliding me,
Across the floor.
Dance you say,
Make a move
Dance I will,
Because I am with you.
that old familiar burn,
the lustful sense of yearning,
when I think of you.
The way you proposition me,
Hunt for my body,
Encourage me to move,
When I hear you.
That familiar thrum,
Like a heartbeat,
Guiding me,
Gliding me,
Across the floor.
Dance you say,
Make a move
Dance I will,
Because I am with you.
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