Tonight it hurts. The ache of loneliness is crushing me, the feelings of inferiority and self-doubt are taking over. Keep trying, try harder, and don't quit. Shut-up. All the things I tell myself just to stay motivated. To keep myself from seeing the truth. The routine I have known is gone, and I am alone again. Yet, it seems to come back and sting me now just as it has in the past. Is it you? Maybe, or maybe not. Is it me? Without a doubt. I have nothing but myself at this time, so it must be me. It is always me. I feel as though the quality of things has been compromised. That the shards of self that I have worked so hard to reassemble, are not being held as tightly by the glue as I thought they would have been.
(Writers Note: March 22, 2009 - I don't want to post this, but I will. A fragment of a moment, an incomplete blog, but not something I can finish now. The feeling has started to pass, and though it is not entirely gone, the intensity has lessened.)
March 20, 2009
March 18, 2009
My Rant
I had my first job interview today, and admittedly I would like to work for the company. However the interview left me feeling deeply uncertain about how things are going to pan out.
First of all, the employer has not actually decided whether or not she is going to fire the person I would be replacing. I found this discovery mildly annoying. However she was pretty quick to say that she is considering opening up a new position even if she doesn't fire the girl. So the job may not even exist? Ummm...damn. That is just one level of uncertainty.
Secondly, she told me that if I have any other job offers to please come and talk to her first. So do they only want me if someone else also wants me? Or is she looking to hire me, but just doesn't want to tell me right away. I can't really say one way or another.
Also, she told me she has three other people she has to interview before she makes a decision. Ok, fine. Sure. Four people are being interviewed for a position that may or may not be available. However, she proceeded to tell me that I had very strong letter writing skills, and the best resume she had seen out of 100+ people she has had apply for this job in the past. Both very flattering, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if I don't get the job. Is having the best resume and the strong letter writing skills enough? Is it to much? After all, my last employer didn't want to hire me because I was "to intellectual". They said it, not me. I was blown away by them saying this, because pardon me for being old fashioned, but I think being smart is a desirable trait.
With respect to this interview. I don't know where it is going, or if it is going anywhere at all. She said she would call me on Monday to let me know. Then she said, no I will try to aim for Friday. Well... I guess all I can really do is wait to hear what she decides. Having said all of that I really liked her, I liked the office, I like the description of the position and the potential for growth.
There you have it. One interview down, and I survived. Although I am not entirely thrilled with the process so far. I pray for a quick end to this madness.
First of all, the employer has not actually decided whether or not she is going to fire the person I would be replacing. I found this discovery mildly annoying. However she was pretty quick to say that she is considering opening up a new position even if she doesn't fire the girl. So the job may not even exist? Ummm...damn. That is just one level of uncertainty.
Secondly, she told me that if I have any other job offers to please come and talk to her first. So do they only want me if someone else also wants me? Or is she looking to hire me, but just doesn't want to tell me right away. I can't really say one way or another.
Also, she told me she has three other people she has to interview before she makes a decision. Ok, fine. Sure. Four people are being interviewed for a position that may or may not be available. However, she proceeded to tell me that I had very strong letter writing skills, and the best resume she had seen out of 100+ people she has had apply for this job in the past. Both very flattering, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if I don't get the job. Is having the best resume and the strong letter writing skills enough? Is it to much? After all, my last employer didn't want to hire me because I was "to intellectual". They said it, not me. I was blown away by them saying this, because pardon me for being old fashioned, but I think being smart is a desirable trait.
With respect to this interview. I don't know where it is going, or if it is going anywhere at all. She said she would call me on Monday to let me know. Then she said, no I will try to aim for Friday. Well... I guess all I can really do is wait to hear what she decides. Having said all of that I really liked her, I liked the office, I like the description of the position and the potential for growth.
There you have it. One interview down, and I survived. Although I am not entirely thrilled with the process so far. I pray for a quick end to this madness.
March 16, 2009
The Huntress or The Hunted?
For the past 5 days I have been actively searching for a job. I am looking all over the place, but focusing my search on Downtown Vancouver. After a romp in the wild country of Saskatchewan the next logical step is to move to the City of Vancouver, isn't it? Honestly I decided to move out that way after talking to a friend and making some plans to become roommates in the big, bad city in a couple months.
I toyed with the idea of getting a job locally and saving up some money to move and then finding another job out that way. Seriously, how stupid would that be? Two job searches in this brutal economy? Forget it. Over the past five days I have applied for 30+ jobs and I have had two responses. My first interview is tomorrow and then I have another one the day after. Last time I was looking for a job I applied to one place and was hired. Times are changing. I have found that it is prudent to change with them.
I have had the greatest amount of success with allowing employers to come to me rather than searching for them. Why? Because if you grab their attention and they initiate contact you are in a pool of one...or at least few candidates for the position. If you run around like a fool applying for every job that suits your needs (like every one does including me) then you are in a pool of 100+ applicants vying for one measly position. See the logic behind baiting the employer to come to you? It works. You get a crack at an unadvertised position, and that is very beneficial in such a competitive job market.
I am looking forward to my interview tomorrow, and I am of course hopeful that my job search will be over and this one will be the one. I don't know much about the position, but i do know a little bit about the company from personal web research and I do believe that it would be the kind of environment that I would enjoy working in.
So, tonight I go to bed early, and tomorrow I get up very early (4:30 - 5:00 am) so that I can catch the first morning train to the city. Why? Because until I move out that way I will need to take the train to the city every weekday. It means I will be in Vancouver around 7 am for an interview that doesn't start until 2 pm, but I need to research my future transportation before I can completely decide to rely on it. The round trip is going to cost me about $20, so it is certainly not a free experiment. However it is necessary, and once I have a job I will buy a pass that allows me to travel at a much cheaper rate (though it will still be fairly pricey). That is why moving to the city will be necessary within a couple months. Not to mention how tiring a 1 hour commute there and 1 hour commute back is going to be. Although I have experienced worse. It used to take me 2 hours to get to my university from my house. That was a dreadful experience, and it resulted in me deciding that attendance was optional. That doesn't exactly work for a job, and a one hour commute is actually not bad at all in comparison. One hour is not ideal though so I will be moving, very soon.
Oddly enough, I have never been interested in the idea of moving to Vancouver. It never crossed my mind as something I could see myself doing. Then again neither did Saskatchewan, and we all know I did that. I suppose right now I am open to any change, and I certainly need to go where the opportunity is. In my opinion, Vancouver is the place to be at the moment. Go where the jobs are, and right now that is in the city. So here I go again, and honestly I am tired of all of this moving around. I haven't been settled in over 4 months, and it is starting to feel like an eternity. This next move is probably going to be the last one I make for quite sometime. So no worries future roommate I am in it for the long haul.
I toyed with the idea of getting a job locally and saving up some money to move and then finding another job out that way. Seriously, how stupid would that be? Two job searches in this brutal economy? Forget it. Over the past five days I have applied for 30+ jobs and I have had two responses. My first interview is tomorrow and then I have another one the day after. Last time I was looking for a job I applied to one place and was hired. Times are changing. I have found that it is prudent to change with them.
I have had the greatest amount of success with allowing employers to come to me rather than searching for them. Why? Because if you grab their attention and they initiate contact you are in a pool of one...or at least few candidates for the position. If you run around like a fool applying for every job that suits your needs (like every one does including me) then you are in a pool of 100+ applicants vying for one measly position. See the logic behind baiting the employer to come to you? It works. You get a crack at an unadvertised position, and that is very beneficial in such a competitive job market.
I am looking forward to my interview tomorrow, and I am of course hopeful that my job search will be over and this one will be the one. I don't know much about the position, but i do know a little bit about the company from personal web research and I do believe that it would be the kind of environment that I would enjoy working in.
So, tonight I go to bed early, and tomorrow I get up very early (4:30 - 5:00 am) so that I can catch the first morning train to the city. Why? Because until I move out that way I will need to take the train to the city every weekday. It means I will be in Vancouver around 7 am for an interview that doesn't start until 2 pm, but I need to research my future transportation before I can completely decide to rely on it. The round trip is going to cost me about $20, so it is certainly not a free experiment. However it is necessary, and once I have a job I will buy a pass that allows me to travel at a much cheaper rate (though it will still be fairly pricey). That is why moving to the city will be necessary within a couple months. Not to mention how tiring a 1 hour commute there and 1 hour commute back is going to be. Although I have experienced worse. It used to take me 2 hours to get to my university from my house. That was a dreadful experience, and it resulted in me deciding that attendance was optional. That doesn't exactly work for a job, and a one hour commute is actually not bad at all in comparison. One hour is not ideal though so I will be moving, very soon.
Oddly enough, I have never been interested in the idea of moving to Vancouver. It never crossed my mind as something I could see myself doing. Then again neither did Saskatchewan, and we all know I did that. I suppose right now I am open to any change, and I certainly need to go where the opportunity is. In my opinion, Vancouver is the place to be at the moment. Go where the jobs are, and right now that is in the city. So here I go again, and honestly I am tired of all of this moving around. I haven't been settled in over 4 months, and it is starting to feel like an eternity. This next move is probably going to be the last one I make for quite sometime. So no worries future roommate I am in it for the long haul.
March 10, 2009
Belly Dance Bio
I understand that you are curious about me, or at the very least me as a dancer. Well, as far as belly dance is concerned I walked into my first class in January of 2007. I came with a friend but in a state of mild protest, because I did not see how a crystal encrusted, stretch velvet wearing, midriff exposing dance would appeal to me. In that first class I found out very quickly that the beauty of belly dance is in the movement. Months passed by and I felt a greater sense of control over my physical being. I don't mean to imply it in a spiritual sense, but I felt stronger and more allied with my body. This connection is still with me today, and I don't care what day today may be for you the reader, because I can confidently say it is still with me.
In December 2007, I teamed up with Skye to take part in her dance project EV. Stylistically speaking EV is where belly dance and I merge, and I am lucky to have found a dance partner with similar interests and the same desire to explore them. Over the past couple years I have grown to appreciate belly dance in all its forms, and yes, I even see the beauty in the crystal encrusted dancers.
For me dance is a way to express and explore my different interests. This is accomplished through costume, choreography and, of course, music. I could say so many cliche things about belly dance and why it is important to me. I could call it my passion. I could call it my hobby. I could call it my art form. None of these things do it justice, and while they may be accurate, dance is first and foremost cathartic to me. Yes. Yes that is it. Catharsis. To me dance is a purging of emotions through art, a purification through self-expression, and an elimination of complexities.
In December 2007, I teamed up with Skye to take part in her dance project EV. Stylistically speaking EV is where belly dance and I merge, and I am lucky to have found a dance partner with similar interests and the same desire to explore them. Over the past couple years I have grown to appreciate belly dance in all its forms, and yes, I even see the beauty in the crystal encrusted dancers.
For me dance is a way to express and explore my different interests. This is accomplished through costume, choreography and, of course, music. I could say so many cliche things about belly dance and why it is important to me. I could call it my passion. I could call it my hobby. I could call it my art form. None of these things do it justice, and while they may be accurate, dance is first and foremost cathartic to me. Yes. Yes that is it. Catharsis. To me dance is a purging of emotions through art, a purification through self-expression, and an elimination of complexities.
March 4, 2009
Were Off To See The Wizard
This is for those who dare to venture out into the unknown, and take a chance.
For those who allow their hands to clam up in anticipation, and their hearts to race with nerves.
If at any moment you wonder what you are doing remember why you want this so much.
Why it is so worthwhile to put yourself out there, and run the risk of returning bruised or broken.
I can't help but think about this. Being content in the moment, but still wanting more. Never wanting the heart to slow, though knowing it will. Never wanting the excitement to pass, but knowing that there will be a time when you will settle into a routine. The routine things in our lives are just as beautiful as the unknown. The routine things in my life, when I am in the same place at the same time with the same person, are precious. Those are the moments I live for. The moments that carry me through the unknown, and keep me moving down that empty road. The moments that guide me, even when the fog has settled so low to the ground it is blinding. The future is among that fog, I am moving towards it, but it is also moving towards me. I can't stop, because even if I do it will keep going and find me.
For those who allow their hands to clam up in anticipation, and their hearts to race with nerves.
If at any moment you wonder what you are doing remember why you want this so much.
Why it is so worthwhile to put yourself out there, and run the risk of returning bruised or broken.
I can't help but think about this. Being content in the moment, but still wanting more. Never wanting the heart to slow, though knowing it will. Never wanting the excitement to pass, but knowing that there will be a time when you will settle into a routine. The routine things in our lives are just as beautiful as the unknown. The routine things in my life, when I am in the same place at the same time with the same person, are precious. Those are the moments I live for. The moments that carry me through the unknown, and keep me moving down that empty road. The moments that guide me, even when the fog has settled so low to the ground it is blinding. The future is among that fog, I am moving towards it, but it is also moving towards me. I can't stop, because even if I do it will keep going and find me.
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