To Live

It can be rather disorienting. The immense range of opportunities, options and choices that present themselves. It just may be that we end up doing things, meeting people, being places, or making choices that we would not have ever seen ourselves doing. In a way it is the moments when I surprise myself that I enjoy the most. Because it gives me the opportunity to get to know myself a little better in the process. Take that experience, slap it on the table and slice it open...and really figure out what it means. What does it mean? At the very base level it means that I am living. What is the purpose of life? To live. Simple enough, isn't it?

What do I witness as a result of all of this self reflection? Evolution. My oh my, do I love evolution. Adaptation, change, extinction, creation...everything has a purpose and when its purpose is fulfilled it disappears. I see bits and pieces of myself disappearing. Not gone, but hidden. Forced into the caverns of my mind as a result of experiences gained. The people I know and will know. The places I have been and will be. All a promise of something. Not good, not bad, but something.

I know what I would do, but I will leave this one up to you. Proceed with caution fair friend for you know not what you could have or what you are about to do. We had something built on nothing, and that is new. I have had nothing built on something. Neither is easy... but something built on nothing is...time sensitive. A cracked egg seeping, though the hen may keep it warm it's destiny was never to occupy the same role as the seamless others.

I do not claim to have any attachment to the cracked egg we shared. It was brief and in its own way perfection defined. It reminded me a lot about myself and why your type brings out the worst in me....that lost little girl chasing a stray kitten up the street...i didn't see the truck...it didn't see the kitten...i cried but survived the memory.

Bandages

What does it mean to be bandaged? Does it mean one is concealing something? Hurting? Or healing? Maybe a bandage is worn simply to keep things out while healing takes place. To prevent infection and influence from the outside world. Why am I bandaged? I am healing. Rediscovering a healthier and less infected version of myself. I was infected by the influence of another, subjected for too long to control. Control brought about by someone else and their deep-seeded insecurity, and kept involved by the love I felt for them. I fought myself constantly knowing that there was more in this world, or less, but wanting to discover completely the full range of opportunity. I couldn't have it, the freedom that I desired, and him at the same time. So it died, I stopped fighting, and I stopped loving. I didn't want him, but for a little while it seemed easier to stay and learn not to want myself than it did to go ahead and find myself. In hindsight I know it was unsustainable, but at the time it seemed like an option, not a good one, but an option.

Opportunity is in my blood, and change is a constant for me. Am I working towards something? Absolutely. Will I always be working towards something? Absolutely. Why can't I stop? Stopping is the slightly more evil cousin of settling. I have wasted time settling, and occupying a routine that I assumed was expected of me by society. Society told me don't leave. I knew for years that leaving was exactly what I needed to do. Do not misunderstand. My bandages aren't covering wounds of loss, but I have lost, a marriage, a lifestyle, and a familiar place. But all that familiarity brought about was the illusion of comfort. It was time to make an exchange... or quite simply a change. Now I seek constant change. Will I stop? No. Will I settle? Only temporarily. Will I be searching? Always. What purpose do my bandages serve? They are there to hold the pieces of myself together while I try to figure out the connections between them.

The bandages keep me close to myself, warm and peaceful. Peace is gained through the knowledge that I am on a path that I have the power to steer myself or to let my future come to me. Choices are one of the most beautiful things in life. Sometimes the fog is settled so low to the ground it is hard for me to see clearly. Other times it is clear what I have to do, but regardless of the state of the world around me, or of my own consciousness I keep travelling. Today I may prefer to go towards something rather than be passive and let it come to me. Tomorrow I may embrace a more passive approach opting to see what the world decides to send to me. I will take any road, throughout my life I have taken a few, and by the time I am done I will have taken many, but in reality it is only one. I have one path and that is the path that I take, it is my own, I am on my own, not alone, but independent. Some would say I only have one life, so I had better figure it out. Today, I say I have this life to figure it out. As the bandage slowly unravels I am not exposed, or even renewed. This is not a cocoon, I am still myself, but I am revealed.

Something old becomes new again...

It is easy to forget what it is like after nearly a decade of going without. What has happened has reminded me of what I haven't missed because I couldn't remember. I won't say that I need this, or even that I wanted this. I wasn't seeking it out...although I took the necessary steps to make it happen, but I am happy it is here...I am happy it happened. I won't say finally happened even though I suspect that I should.

I want to go into detail, but my reserved nature is preventing me from publicizing my experience. So once again it is up to you the reader to figure out what in the world i am talking about...

Something about silence makes me sick...

What is this, paranoia? Or is my appraisal of the situation honest? Could it be that the way things were, are no longer the way things are? I am not who I was when we started this whole thing. Are you? I warn the world, I will not wait for anyone or anything. Do not make me wait. Why is it that you can? I don't want to but I feel compelled to. Is this normal? Am I behaving properly? Do you not have anything to say about it? To me? What about us? I am choked in more way than one when it comes to you. In good way I believe, i think, maybe. I am feeling hurt. You once told me that if I ever stopped talking to you you would have questions. I don't. I have nothing to say...I just don't understand. I sound like I have lost a lover, but I haven't. I haven't lost anything...it has been mere hours, but where are you in my time of need? I told you I would need you and you disappeared. I try not to be hurt by that, and I try not to feel rejected and uncared for... When it comes down to it I am just a sensitive senseless girl. Keep that in mind will you?

Edits

I have made some very obvious changes to my blog today. I won't say that I am completely happy with the end product, but it is a start. Definitely more appropriate than what I had before. I have also added a flickr banner that you can use to access my photostream. Photography is becoming a big thing for me these days so it is an extension of and compliment to this blog. Why? Because this blog is about me silly.